Tide Level Rating System
''Note: Original article first published to Uncyclopedia. Written by the Dozerfleet founder.'' ---- The Tide Level Rating System is a joke that combines the Trump Derangement Syndrome and Tide Pod Challenge memes together, initiated in February of 2018 and using it to belittle insane leftist trolls on Facebook by implying that the consumption of Tide Pods and zombie-like behavior were linked to irrational hatred of Donald Trump. The Dozerfleet founder codified the joke by submitting it to Unclyclopedia. Since then, Uncyclopedia considered moving away from Fandom's domain servers, prompting information from the joke article to be copied here. History The Obama years Dozerfleet's involvement in election memes goes back to the Michigan elections of 2010, wherein which the founder, then a video production intern at SWOCC Studios, helped get some screen time to then-gubernatorial candidate Stacey Mathia. This expanded in 2012, with a DeviantArt submission dubbed Elections: Fall of Liberty indicating that the nation might not survive either Obama nor Romney. It as stylized to look like the title credits to Transformers: Fall of Cybertron. When Obama won, and bodies of innocents started piling up, rapid pessimism led to The Gerosha Chronicles being reinterpreted as an alternate history in which America was destroyed partially as a result of Obama's "leadership," but exacerbated by the Triumvirate essentially starting WWIII. This new timeline became dubbed "Cataclysmic Gerosha," with doomsday prepper themes and survivalist pessimism galore inflicted on the protagonists that previously had more traditional comic book superhero roles. The far-less-message-heavy and far-less-momentum-building and far-less-integrated Comprehensive Gerosha timeline was retired, deemed "impossible" as Candi would never have been able to live that way in a post-Obama world. As the plethora of scandals on Obama's cabinet continued to pile up, with the American left's reactions ranging from feigning ignorance to not caring to celebrating how corrupt and debased the regime was; many Americans who previously didn't take elections seriously had a change of heart. An unprecedented turnaround In 2016, this reverberated delayed reaction resulted in more Americans showing up to vote than ever before. George Soros' voting machines from Spain couldn't change votes often enough or fast enough. Voters refused to be intimidated by the New Black Panther Party - which lost all credibility by defending a rich white woman. Even with illegals voting from prison cells in California, Hillary was unable to generate enough fraudulent votes to either win the popular vote (in spite news media trying to cover for her and claim she did win it) nor to win the electoral vote. Trump's sheer marketing and branding momentum seemed unstoppable, and there was an almost instantaneous media meltdown from outlets' utter disbelief. Trump's election was both a rejection of globalism and a rejection of the old "Republican Establishment" - an old and corrupt guard of "moderates" that became less relevant after John McCain's funeral became more about taking petty jabs at Trump than about honoring the life of McCain himself. Memes are born Hillary, desperate to avoid further prosecution for the dozens of scandals still on her plate, tried to shift the blame for her own Uranium One involvement with Russia by claiming that Trump *somehow* hacked voting machines via Facebook, by way of commingling with Russian agents interested in doing so. Not only did three years of investigations by 9/11-guilty Robert Mueller fail to come up with a shred of evidence to indict Donald himself for this specific charge, but all the ensuing witch hunts on his cabinet members revealed that a handful of them - at worst - were guilty of minor process "crimes" going back to before they were even a part of the Trump campaign! This didn't stop media outlets - and gullible left-wingers - from preaching a "Russia collusion" narrative 24/7, often flooding debate groups on Facebook with endless troll posts and laughable mass hysteria. Early on, the "Screaming Helplessly at the Sky" meme was used to mock them for this. They became known as "Sky Screamers," and were sometimes addressed as "Skyscream" by a Photoshop merger of George Soros and Megatron. This gained official momentum in November of 2017, when SJWs held an official event to do that very thing. Those supporting Mueller's hunt for anything that might suggest Russian involvement in the election came to be known as "Russian unicorn hunters." This was in reference to "Russian Unicorn," a Bad Lip Reading YouTube parody of "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble. Their extreme overreaction to being asked questions they couldn't form intelligent answers to, thus revealing the extent of their brainwash, led to some of these hard-left "useful idiots" being referred to as "special snowflakes," or just snowflakes for short. One would have thought that some of the hysteria would've died down by 2018, after memes like: "We tolerated 8 years of Obama; you can survive 8 years of Trump." It intensified. The Democrat Party's ever-growing desperation to regain power and cultural relevance led to off-the-rails endorsements (such as MS-13) that only alienated party support even more. This didn't stop the trolls online from growing increasingly insane in their rants and posts, to the point that there was demand in place to measure the extent of insanity behind each post. Some suggested that they "ate paint chips" as children; but this analogy didn't stick. That's a lot of Tide... The SJW crowd in particular grew especially fond of groupthink - and of witch hunts of anyone who didn't subscribe to it. This intensified after a poorly-delivered "get right in their faces" speech by Maxine Waters, leading to actual cases of public stalking and harassment. Antifa, a scourge on the world dating back to Vladimir Lenin, resurfaced to stir the pot even more. This devotion of theirs to linear, narrative-compliant-only thinking resulted in many SJWs being compared to the non-player ghost characters in Pac-Man, thus the NPC meme came to pass. But before that, the Tide Pod Challenge gained a resurgence in popularity in January of 2018. Reactions to it ranged from condemning latter Millennials and earlier Millennials dubbing themselves "Xennials" to set themselves apart from their embarrassing younger siblings and cultivate a nod to Generation X, to it becoming the new "you ate paint chips as a kid." This was exacerbated by the discovery that some of these youths had also taken up a habit of snorting condoms. Referring to these leftist activist extremists as "zombies" bore zombie horror film analogies to their behavior that not even the NPC meme could top. It better expressed their proneness toward violence and aggression for not having their way. But what made some zombies worse than others? There still wasn't an index to qualify nor quantify what being a "Soros-serving zombie" really meant. Along came the Ugandan Knuckles meme. According to its Fandom entry, this abomination becomes red or blue by eating Tide Pods. After the Parkland shooting, loudmouth activist David Hogg was accused, among other things, of eating Tide Pods. Combined with zombie humor, the Tide Zombie mythos was born. Tide zombies and power levels Tide Zombies, according to they mythos of the analogy, all are born when one of them eats a Tide Pod and dies, then comes back from the dead with their powers unlocked. They blindly serve the will of George Soros, and are prone to autistic screeching. How dangerous any particular one of them is depends on their power level, which is determined by how many Tide Pods they can consume before they destroy themselves completely in both body and mind. The following descriptions are copied from Uncyclopedia: Level 1: Basic zombie This zombie loves to infest Facebook. They generally have no life, and post worthless and senseless troll posts to see if anyone cares how well they can virtue signal about their Trump Derangement Syndrome. They feel a need to remind you that they hate Trump every few minutes, and usually have only consumed a total of two Tide Pods before reaching this point. They are generally harmless, and more irritating than anything else. In public, they can usually be ignored. So ignore them if you can. Level 2: High Tide These zombies are a bit harder to #walkaway from. They post things so utterly nonsensical and incoherent and full of hate, you wonder how they can even function in life. Expect them to have rabies co-morbid with their TDS. Avoid them in real life if at all possible, as they have Trump living rent-free in their heads and will not hesitate to make it your problem. Don't let them in your house, and don't let them near your laundry room. You have been warned! Level 3: Superdrive This is the level most Antifa members are at. Expect them to barely be able to utter a single coherent sentence. Stociking up on a triple-barreled shotgun or 50-caliber is not unreasonable, as they will burn your garage down to gain access to your home to gain more Tide Pods and power up. In desperation, they will drink Clorox, offending many Chans at once and possibly self-destructing. Superdrive-level Tide Zombies are genuinely dangerous, and will fight you if they think you're a "racist", a "sexist", or any other -ism popular with Democrats when they lack an argument of substance and need to throw cards at others. The Antifa flavor in particular lives in a fantasy land where anyone who isn't them is a "Nazi," and they are video game protagonists who must punch "Nazis" to gain score points. They hate anything in general dealing with western civilization, and will choke on Pods as they continue to express said hatred. They scream helplessly at the sky more than the previous two categories. Level 4: Apar-Tide This is when they truly gain superpowers, and become less than human. At this level, a Tide Zombie can now autistically screech in your general direction with decibels ranging from 80 to Fus Ro Dah!!! They can damage you, your mom, your house, and anything else around them with damage levels ranging from Shoop Da Whoop to WTF Boom! While Trump will still be their president, that doesn't mean there will be much left of you or your neighborhood. If they get this powerful, your options are to load up your DX-4 vaporizer cannon or run like Hell. Rumor has it their screeching can be heard from the edge of space. Level 5: Total TidePodcalypse If they consume this much Tide and aren't totally destroyed, only a nuke will stop them. Your town is history. And possibly you, if you didn't run away by now. You've been warned. They will act like the legions of Hell, and it may take a visitation from Christ himself to exorcise the demons out of them. Any sane or rational thought you have will be grounds for them to foam Tide at the mouth and attack en masse. Expect them to be extra filthy, as all the Tide oozing from their every orifice will pick up every spare speck of mud along their way to finding you. Don't attempt to reason with them; it'll only make them angrier! They may even try to turn you into a Tide Zombie, though rejecting their mantra means you'll more likely simply die than come back as one of them. Level 6: Downy-nado!!! It's like a sharknado, but with purple Downy beads. Level 5 Tide Zombies can gain even more power by switching to eating these. Where once they can shake the air and destroy a city, they can now shake a continent by their autistic screeching alone! They can summon thunderstorms on a whim, to reflect their violent inner state of being. They are very rare, but extremely dangerous! They are so mad that Trump won in 2016, they're ready to destroy the planet out of their sheer frustration! If you see one of these, bombs away! Aim for their backs, so they can't screech the bomb right back at you! Alternate Pods Not all Tide zombies need necessarily get fueled by Tide proper exclusively. However, it's the most efficient way to create the higher level dangerous zombies. Less efficient pods run the gamut, but the most popular of these would be Gain Flings - also by Proctor and Gamble. Whereas the TidePodcalypse is called exactly that when actual Tide is involved, the very rare Gain Fling equivalent is dubbed "Gain-Fling-Geddon." These rare cousins of Total TidePodCalypse Zombies are almost as dangerous, in spite their unorthodox fuel. Interest flavors Whatever a Tide zombie was before becoming one officially usually determines how they express their dangerous side at every level of zombification. LGBTQPIZ militants Normal ones may riot, or may commit acts of indecent exposure in front of your children. You know, mildly annoying stuff. When they're under the influence of Tide, #hideyourpicnictables! You'll thank yourself later. Antifa It's getting harder and harder to find members of Antifa that aren't at least at the Superdrive level of Tide zombiedom. The best thing you can do if you need to approach an area where they are, is to carry a flamethrower. Otherwise, avoid the area. If anyone in the local government has any brains, they'll use napalm from helicopters to cleanse the area of the infestation. If they approach your house, a machine gun is the bare minimum of what you should defend yourself with. It is better to sacrifice your youngest-born to them, than to let them near your laundry room! Remember this! (Only) Black Lives Matter (Except in Chicago) These are most likely to be arsonists. Expect George Soros to pay them handsomely. They can do the most damage while eating the least amount of Tide to get that dangerous, so be extra careful around them! The one saving grace, is they tend to burn each other's houses down before burning down the houses they were supposed to target. Facebook / Twitter mobsters These are probably the least physically dangerous, but blocking or reporting them should be a priority if they get out of hand. They won't hesitate to alert the other camps to your location, like hens sounding the fox alarm. Appearance Advanced Tide Zombies take on a very troll-like appearance, and prefer to be dressed in black (but will settle for whatever they died wearing.) They will often wave their arms about, as if to conjure a spell of some sort. Their eyes are usually blackened out in advanced stages, and their vocal cords allow them to autistically screech at banshee levels. Their existence is comparable to that of the troll from Cat's Eye. Powers per level Feature legend Do * Arm yourself with whatever weapon you can. Overkill for a normal jackass neighbor is perfectly appropriate for a Tide zombie at levels Superdrive or above. * Keep a low profile * Vote for anyone other than Hillary, but stay alert * Keep an automatic turret gun next to the flag on your house. * Arm yourself with counter-arguments to leave levels 1 and 2 without a leg to stand on. * Hire a lawyer. The pushing back you may have to do may require you to have one handy, in case one of the zombies still appears too human and you face charges for self-defense. * Avoid areas where they congregate. * Keep a fire extinguisher nearby. Use foam, as water will simply get absorbed by all the Tide in your environment. After all, they want to burn your house down! Don't * Walk defenseless into areas they have swarmed. * Show up in said areas with a MAGA hat and unarmed. * Concede or surrender any ground in the culture war. This will only embolden them. * Wear a flag T-shirt in areas they swarm. * Own a restaurant if you're a wuss. Defend that like a brave hero defends his shop from the mafia! Hire your own enforcers rather than even attempt to negotiate with a Tide zombie - especially the Antifa kind! * Try to reason with them if you're a WWII veteran. They will eat you for lunch! * Forget that they wear spiked brass knuckles and sap gloves, so launching pyrophoric pellets at them with pellet guns is okay. * Dress up like the Ku Klux Klan for ANY reason! Seriously, don't be stupid! * Wear a cute Spider-Man mask to make fun of their masks. They will whip out their spare pods and level up just to smash your face in! * Leave your family, pets, picnic tables, or laundry room unattended at any time! Non-human infectees So far, only humans and ducks appear to be able to undergo zombification. When Tide that oozes out of the orifices of a level 5 human zombie gets on anything, it becomes irresistible to ducks. They will lick it, die, and come back as duck Tide Zombies. These zombies will often transform into pod-making factories. They will act like normal ducks, except they will generate a new Tide Pod every so often in the bottom of their beaks. They will then have to spit it out after generating it. It won't be an ordinary Pod; but one that's specially able to seduce other ducks into eating it, spreading the infection. It can also level up a human zombie if they eat enough of these. If you see a non-infected duck about to eat it, do whatever you can to make it spit that Tide out of its beak. Infected ducks must be butchered on the spot. Since they're converted to being miniature Tide factories, their meat is inedible. They must be burned. Category:Dozerfleet Literature projects Category:Projects from 2018